Discipline by Dawn Reinarz, M.S., CCC-SLP

There is a distinct difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is described as intending to hurt or humiliate a person in response to undesirable behavior; its goal is to make a person pay for misconduct. Specialists in the field of education warn that punishment may lead to anger and aggression, damaged relationships, fear, missed opportunities for learning, damage to self-esteem, lack of inner control, and deceitfulness. Punishment is often a quick fix to misbehavior however; research has shown that it is not effective in correcting the behavior. Regardless of what you do, if it has the above effect of hurting or humiliating, it is considered punishment.

Discipline is defined as helping children learn personal responsibility for their behavior and to judge between right and wrong for themselves.

There are some basic ideas central to discipline. One is that you should strive to have mutual respect between adult and child. (You should treat your child with the same respect you expect from them) The second is to help children understand why a behavior is wrong. The third is to provide age appropriate choices and help them to solve their own problems. And the last is to make sure you address the cause of the behavior.

There are about five different ways to achieve the above goals: creating a positive environment, preventing problems through organization, teaching through example and through clear communication, and helping your child understand rules and limits.

Creating a positive environment means setting up positive expectations and guidelines, it also means giving them some choice and sense of success. Letting your child know what you will and will not accept and being consistent with these expectations is the best way to avoid problem behavior. If possible, it is helpful to allow your child to help determine these; they feel some ownership and more invested in living up to the expectations. This goes along with choice. If you allow them to feel a little in control, you will avoid many battles. Then, once they live up to your expectations, praise their efforts.

Preventing problems through organization means developing routines, preparing for big transitions and waiting times. One of the hardest things for young children to do is wait and while it is appropriate to teach them the importance and necessity of waiting, it is unrealistic to expect them to wait for long periods of time without getting bored and antsy. To save yourself, prepare children for things by telling them what to expect or practicing if they can not receptively understand. Also, be prepared with items that will keep them occupied once they have hit their maximum waiting time. (Books, toys, travel games, etc.) Another important organizational technique is to establish as many routines as possible…a dinner routine, a bedtime routine, a grocery shopping routine. This way, things are relatively the same every time and your child understands the expectations in that situation.

Teaching through example means expressing your own feelings, apologizing, and accepting your child’s feelings. If you feel frustrated, say so, if you were wrong, admit that, expressing these types of things helps show your child how to do so. If your child tells you he/she is mad, or looks and acts mad/sad/ disappointed, put a name to it and accept their feelings. Just acknowledging what they are feeling often diffuses a situation.

Clear communication for your child means talking to them in a way that communicates your own needs and limits. The best way to do this is to use an “I message”. “I messages” are specific about what the unacceptable behavior is, states your feelings, and explains why you feel this way, then they STOP. For example, “It hurts my ears when you scream like that” or “I don’t like it when you stand on the chair; I’m worried you will fall off and get hurt”. It helps the child understand that it’s not them you are unhappy with but what they are doing and why they should stop. “I messages” also help validate what your child is feeling. For example, if they are upset because you didn’t buy them a toy, just stating, “I see you’re really sad and mad at me for not buying that toy” often helps diffuse a situation just because you heard them and are acknowledging their feelings.

Lastly, helping your child understand rules and limits is probably the most important because often you need to react to a situation immediately or all the other stuff just doesn’t work. At those times, be sure you are using natural and related consequences. Natural and related consequences teach long-term discipline by allowing them to learn the consequences of their own actions, by allowing them to use their own experiences, and by helping to develop personal responsibility necessary for self-discipline. They also respect the child’s ability to choose. Some types of natural and related consequences are:

•Natural- the child experiences the direct result of his/her behavior (they break their toy so they can no longer play with it)

•Exclusion- if the child is hurting others, they are no longer allowed to play

•Deprivation- the child can not have access to materials that have been abused

•Restitution- child must pay, fix, or replace what they damaged or lost (including helping another child they may have injured)

•Reciprocity- what the child did to another is done back, that is not to say a wrong for a wrong but rather if the child didn’t help out with something, they don’t get to participate or they don’t get help.

These are all valid and appropriate ways to help teach your child long term discipline. I hope this helps clarify the importance of discipline over punishment and leads to easier behavior solutions in the future!