Conscious Parenting

Conscious Parenting with Mr. Chazz 

In this episode, we chat with Mr. Chazz, a parent and teacher coach, about positive behavior approaches at home and in the classroom. He is an early childhood educator, educational specialist, and parenting coach. In the episode Mr Chazz discusses his three-step approach of see, guide, trust by walking us through each stop. He also touches on the importance of understanding our own parenting self-judgements and background to best support our children and students. This episode is bursting with insightful information and simple actions you can take now to parent more consciously. 

Mr. Chazz is an early childhood eductor who began his career teaching in a Montessori classroom and has gone on to earn his master’s in executive leadership at American University. Mr. Chazz works with schools, teachers, and families to support a learning environment that is based on respect and empathy through a conscious parenting/discipline approach.  He is also a highly respected speaker with extensive training in Conscious Discipline. 


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Speaker 1 (00:06):

Hello, and welcome to Unbabbled, a podcast that navigates the world of special education, communication delays, and learning differences. We are your host, Stephanie Landis and Meredith Krimmel, and we're certified speech language pathologist who spend our days at The Parish school in Houston, helping children find their voices and connect with the world around them.

Speaker 1 (00:26):

In this episode, we chat with Mr. Chaz, a parenting and teacher coach about positive behavior approaches at home and in the classroom. Mr. Chaz is an early childhood educator, educational specialist and parenting coach. He began his career teaching in a Montessori classroom and has gone on to earn his Master's in Executive Leadership at American University. Mr. Chaz works with schools, teachers, and families to support a learning environment that is based on respect and empathy through a conscious parenting and discipline approach. In this episode, Mr. Chaz discusses his three step approach of see, guide, and trust by walking us through each step. He also touches on the importance of understanding our own parenting self-judgment and background to best support our children and students. This episode is bursting with insightful information and simple actions you can take now to parent more consciously. If you enjoy this episode, you can find even more from Mr. Chaz on his Instagram account, podcast and Patreon page. We have links to those in our show notes.

Speaker 2 (01:25):

All right, welcome. We are so very excited to talk to you, Mr. Chaz today, Mr. Chaz is an amazing early childhood educator and supporter of parents and taking the Instagram and internet world by storm by helping parents support their kids at home. So welcome. We're really excited to have you here.

Speaker 3 (01:44):

I'm excited to be here and to talk to your audience and hopefully help some people out there.

Speaker 2 (01:50):

Yeah. So will you give the parents just a little bit of your perspective on supporting children, both in the classroom and at home? Cause you have kind of a unique perspective.

Speaker 3 (02:03):

Yeah, yeah. So I, I kind of break it down to three parts and kind of like my approach and where I kind of help people think about and see, guide, trust. And the idea is that we have to, a lot of times we try to guide people, children, educators, without first really seeing them and understanding them or, or even attempting to see them or, or understand them and understand this situation and kind of their perspective of things, how they're seeing the world. So, you know, I say before you start to guide, try to see first, try to understand step into curiosity avoid judgment because that's another thing that we have a chance to do to judge quickly to judge and then like, say, this is what you need to do. This is what you have to do. And the person's feeling like, well, that's not even like the problem that I feel like I'm dealing with.

Speaker 3 (02:58):

And so we're not even communicating on the same level right now. And I feel disconnected and unseen in what happened. It's like the way the visual, I kind of want you to think about is like, it's like being in a dark room and we're trying to guide people without first turning on the light switch and so that we can see them. Right. And when a person feels seen, not only are we able to reach our hand out to them and not just in our general direction, but they're also way more willing to extend their hand back towards us and be guided by us. So not only does it make us help us better guide, it helps the person being guided want to be guided, which is really important when you're on a journey together, especially one with so many obstacles as is teaching as is parenthood, especially in today's times where obstacles are changing and getting thrown at you and, and, and children are being impacted, adults are being impacted.

Speaker 3 (03:59):

So it, it's really more important to really take that time, to step into curiosity and really see people before you, you know, attempt to guide. And then as you're guiding, you know, we're talking a little earlier about, you know, conscious discipline and I'm a really something I, I, I very much encourage parents and teachers to learn more about and the seven skills to, you know, it's mostly about the seven skills of self control of how you can, you know navigate your own kind of stuff so that you, you can be really helpful to children and, and really just other people in different challenging situations. And so the guidance definitely, you know, if you're someone who has never you're someone who's been raised in a way where adults tended to shame or hit, or instead of really stepping into curiosity and try to guide this is gonna feel new.

Speaker 3 (04:59):

And it's gonna feel like all these different strategies that you've never heard or considered or seen or experienced. And it's gonna to look like that's, it's gonna sound and probably feel a little awkward at first because you're learning something new. And that takes time. And knowing that your, that the goal isn't to be perfect all the time, the goal is to improve. I say, avoid being a perfectionist as being improves improve, improve, improve just a little bit of a little improvements. Every day can have a huge impact. And don't get caught up in not being perfect right now. It's not about, there is no destination, it's, it's about the process, not the product, it's about the journey, right? And so really kind of focusing on that journey for yourself and whoever you're guiding, and then the trust piece trust that people are trying their best, that that child is trying their best in the, in the moment with the resources they have and the knowledge and the skills that they have access to in that moment, they're trying their best, just like you as a teacher or as a parent, you're trying your best too.

Speaker 3 (06:11):

Now we're gonna fall short sometimes. Yes, but that is a part of the learning process. Just like it is for them. It is for us too. So know that everyone's trying their best and trust that, you know, people are doing their best. We operate so much in fear. In, in, in, in early childhood, in, in parenthood, fear tends to be a driver for a lot of decisions that we make. And those often aren't our best decisions. So I say, you know, opt out of fear and opt in of opt into trust.

Speaker 4 (06:48):

I love that. I love the visual of being in the dark room. And I think it applies to all relationships in life, you know, with your partner or your significant other, your children, your students, the people on your team who you're collaborating with or mentoring. Because I think about behavior in this way. So often a child will act out or do something that's seen as a "behavior". And people are just so quick to try to squash the behavior and not really looking to understand where it came from or what the child was feeling or experiencing before the behavior happened.

Speaker 2 (07:21):

Yeah. And that's really a big thing on our campus in particular. So all of our kids here have a communication challenge or learning differences. And when you have trouble communicating, being able to use any sort of verbal communication to talk about your feelings is 10 times more difficult. And so it usually comes out as seen as behavior. Do you have any tips for parents on how to get into a place of curiosity? Because it isn't, doesn't always come completely natural.

Speaker 3 (07:50):

Yeah, man. Yeah. There's a couple things. One the, the cliche behaviors, communication, behaviors, communication, behaviors, communication. It's so true. Especially, you know, talking on this podcast where, you know, they're not, they're not going to say excuse me, mom, or excuse me, teacher. I am feeling a little overwhelmed by the lights in the room, the, the loud noises and it's, I'm over stimulated and I need to do something with that energy. I need to do something with that. And so that's why I'm running around and, and pushing and hurting, like, so I I'm, I'm sorry for my behavior maybe we can come together and, and work on a plan so that we can, so everyone can meet their needs. You know, they're no, yeah, right. Life would be a lot easier if, if they did have those skills. Right. But you know, the important thing is that, that they are saying those things, but it's a lot more muffled.

Speaker 3 (08:53):

Right. And they're giving us clues a lot of the times, a lot of times I will say like, cuz children, even children who can speak, you know, fairly well, like sometimes like they're giving you clues. They're not ex always when they say something, it's not always exactly the way that we interpret it to, like we have this adult lens. And so a child will say something and what will come up for us is all these like triggers. Right. And like one of the really kind of a really like example that I think everyone will kind of resonate with is anytime a child talks about like guns or and, and we will, or even play guns. Right. And we will see that as like, oh, like they're gonna be a school shooter. Like this is a potential school shooter situation because we have all of that, like baggage built up.

Speaker 3 (09:50):

And so we get triggered in a different way. And the child's just trying to do a little bit of power play. He's just trying to feel powerful in his role, like a, like a Batman or Superman. And the gun just happens to be this superpower for that play moment. And so just really one behaviors, communication, and, and they're giving they're dropping clues all the time of what's happening internally to more accurately answer your question more specifically how to step into curiosity. What stops us from stepping into curiosity is a lot of times that that fear and those being triggered, right. Those emotions. And then cuz sometimes we'll go into an emotional state or in a survival mode. And from that place where, you know, you are triggered into survival mode, you're asking yourself different questions, right? You may be saying, we're thinking this behavior must be punished, right.

Speaker 3 (10:49):

If you're in a survival state, if you're in an emotional state, you're more likely to, to say you know, this behavior must be stopped, right. But when we are able to step into what conscious discipline calls an ex an executive state into that kind of brain state, and we can do that by practicing, by regulating ourselves breathing and other things that we can do. I'll talk about that in just a second, but when we're able to step into this into curiosity and be, be a little bit more regulated, then we're more likely to ask, how can I help this child? How can this child be helped? And that's the place where we can actually be helpful, actually understand the child, not just judge because a lot of times, yeah, we'll just judge and we don't, we don't end up seeing or understanding where the behavior is coming from, where they're communicating.

Speaker 3 (11:40):

So they keep on doing the behavior or maybe we will, we will try to stop the behavior with a reward or punishment. And we miss out on a huge opportunity for learning an opportunity to learn about about, about feelings, about how to advocate for ourselves, about how to get our toy back, right. We just reward or punish to, to not hit that child still doesn't have their toy back and the, what we want to teach that child to get their toy back, right. We wanna teach the child to, to advocate for themselves to meet their needs. We want to teach those skills because what, because what will end up happening is we might stop that behavior. But that like underlying thing is still there and another behavior will pop up and we won't under, we're gonna be playing whackamole as opposed to really actually helping the child and really making progress towards, towards what, you know, the little example that I gave, you know, like, excuse me, like I'm feeling I'm, I'm experiencing frustration.

Speaker 3 (12:50):

Like, and, and, and I'm feeling overwhelmed when you took my toy. Will you please give it back? Like obviously your two year old, your three year, old's not gonna say that, but over time when we're kind of modeling that kind of communication and working through it with them and understanding what their, you know, problems are and getting it out on the open and working together to collaboratively problem solve, you know, they will be able to say that when they're older, right. When they've had the practice and it's not gonna be perfect, right. Just like, we're not gonna be perfect in practicing and starting to help them with this language. They're not gonna be perfect in, in, in applying it. One last thing I wanna say, and I'm gonna pause about how powerful about how powerful language is. And that, I, I don't think that like people really understand.

Speaker 3 (13:40):

And, and if you don't, if there's any doubt in your mind, you have a little sliver down your mind, how powerful modeling language is and how powerful the language you use around children. If you any doubt in your mind, your you're a teacher, your par, next time you go in a classroom, what I want you to do is to start start dropping, cuss words, start dropping the F bomb, start dropping the S H bomb and see if, if some of those kids don't pick up on that language. Right. See if some of those words aren't repeated now, of course, obviously I would not really recommend anyone actually do that. I'll say that out loud. If y'all didn't get that, I'm joking. But the, the point is that you would never do that because us as adults recognize the power of the language that we use around children and, and how impactful that is when it comes to the ne like negative language language that we don't want them to use, but we are not as mindful or as aware of the language that we can use in a positive way, the healthy language that we can use around them that can have just as much of an impact in the other direction.

Speaker 2 (14:53):

You said about the fear often kind of triggering that emotional response. And I think that really resonates because many of our families and parents and myself, when I'm out with my kids, often, if they're having some sort of quote behavior, the fear is that if I stop and am calm and use it as a teaching moment, that I'm gonna be seen as like weak or like a parent who lets their kids walk all over them, air quotes all over all of that. And then in the long run, my kids are gonna turn out to be like soft and, and not have the skills. And it seems like you're flipping it and saying, no, instead I'm gonna teach them the skills young so that they have them when they're adults. Yes. Do you have any like words of support for parents as we're trying to get over that, like judged feeling?

Speaker 3 (15:45):

I think there, there are a lot of things that can be said about this kind of like narrative or this kind of thought, one thing I'll say is you mentioned permissive parenting that mm-hmm <affirmative>, you know, what I'm describing is not permissive parenting. Right. You know, you still have boundaries, right? It's not, it's not, it's not that you're letting them do whatever they want. It's that you're letting them feel, you know, what they want and you're helping them work through and you're helping them understand that and you're helping them. You're helping them, you know, regulate their emotion so that they can make choice, not just driven blindly by emotion, but all, but understanding it, not just ignoring it, you know, traditionally what we will do is ignore, ignore emotions or not really, you know, we'll either run away from teach children to run away from their emotions or to shove them all down.

Speaker 3 (16:38):

Right. Never to actually deal or acknowledge them. And, you know if you're, if you wanna do more reading, if you're someone who is, this is somewhat new to you, haven't done a lot of reading on it. I would recommend, you know, I would recommend a couple of books. I'll just name a, a few Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey's really great for parents. And, No Drama Discipline by Tina Payne Bryson is also another great one. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have written a lot of great books together. Like talk about this in depth. And there are many, many, many more books that, that, that talk about it. And, and what we have kind of learned to do a lot of us who grew up with this more traditional parenting style of you know, parents who kind of, you know, would say, you know, you're fine.

Speaker 3 (17:32):

Get over it is not a big deal, dis dismissing emotions. What ends up happening is that, that we become more disconnected from our emotions because emotions are messages from the by. Right. And what ends up happening is we become adults who, you know, who don't know how to take breaks, who don't know how to take care of ourselves because, or who don't know how to, you know, who don't make decisions based off of what they internally know is important. Right. Because we know like, you know, you say like, ah, like we're afraid that like the stranger on the street is going to judge us. And like, we know that our relationship with our child is more important than the judgment of a stranger on the street, but we're so disconnected from, you know, our true core values. And what's important to us that we will give up what we know is important for, you know, to appease someone else's a strangers judgment.

Speaker 3 (18:45):

Right. and this is what we are modeling and teaching children a lot of the times when we're out in public and we're so worried about everyone else and not, we're just being present in the moment like that child is having often a really emotional experience having a really hard time. And I, I think a lot of times we don't see cuz we're so wrapped up in the judgment that we don't, we're not seeing our child at all. You know, we're not seeing that they're really struggling in this moment and we're not really understanding that we're taking the time to. And so that just exacerbates the issue. And you know, the one really good example of kind of that happens out in public is the store. Right. And, you know, I tell people, we don't realize that we put, we, we put children in a lot of challenging situations for them.

Speaker 3 (19:39):

Right. You know, we struggle with going into the store and not impulse buying. Right. How many memes have you seen about like, you know, you go in a target, you go in a Costco, you come out with everything, right. I'm just going for one thing, right. We as adults struggle with that. And the struggle that we have with it have with it, isn't by accident, the people who create these, you know, source, they set up the stores to trigger our impulses. Right. And not just adult, they intentionally try to trigger your child's impulses too. And your child's brain is not fully developed. Like that part that is that, that prefrontal cortex that's not fully developed until 25, 26. It's really not developed when they're three, four and five, but that like, but you know, but that impulse is still there, right. That advertisement that they've been being fed to, you know, for, you know, the past, you know, month or whatever.

Speaker 3 (20:39):

And they go and see the store and they see that thing, you know, that's a really difficult moment for them. Right. And there's some things that we can do to help them. We can make a list ahead of time and talk about what we're going to get. We can model, you know, our own impulse control. Ooh, I want that. But it's not on the list. We'll try, we'll try again another time. Right. And that's not to say that they're not still going have an emotion that they're not still going to have feelings. Cuz even when we say we're gonna get one thing, we still have feelings about not getting about not getting that one thing. And on top of the thing, I know I'm going a lot into the store thing. But like when you think about it, like people, when people we ask people about like, why did you like why is this, why is the money so important for you?

Speaker 3 (21:26):

Because I wasn't able to have things right. And it's not, it's usually a lot of times people aren't talking about just people aren't always talking about just the bare minimum. Now there are definitely a lot of people, like I just want to be able to have the bare minimum. And, but there, a lot of times people will go in whole professions just so that they can have more stuff right. That you, that more than just the bare minimum. And so you think about how much adults struggle and how much adults want these things from like the stores and wanna be able to afford and buy them and to go in that store and take them home. And then you put a child in the world for the, you know, first time having this experience with all the advertisement and, and, and having that, that, that paw patrol beanie baby just well lit right.

Speaker 3 (22:16):

At eye level right next to the camp where you have to stop, have to check out. Yep. Yeah. Right. At checkout, along with like the candy, that's super shiny that they've done a lot of research on, like I had a friend who used to work at a really big food chain and, you know, we would talk all the time. Like there's a lot of thought that goes into it and a lot of research that goes into it and they will adjust, they will observe and they'll go back to the drawing board and be like, ah, we didn't get them good enough. Right. Let's try. How can we get the right? And so just, and that's, and what I'm talking about, like this is that whole store thing. That's what I'm talking about in seeing department, right. Seeing first, right. To be helpful for their child in the, you know, in the Mo in the moment and long term, dealing with that situation of going into the store and, and controlling their, and controlling their impulses and navigating their emotions.

Speaker 3 (23:09):

First, we have to see what, what that struggle is. Right. We could also probably do, you know, we also may identify once. We're kind of like seeing it better. We're able so many more solutions pop up on how to guide and actually that they're specific to this child, this moment, this situation, right. Maybe it's, Ooh, someone's listen. Like, Ooh, you know, you advertisements. Like we do watch a lot of TV with a lot of advertisements and Ooh, like not to say that we're never gonna do like screen time, but maybe we'll just do, maybe we'll do streaming services because it's less advertisement heavy. Right. And so you start to come up with, once you see once you're able to, once you, once you are actually seeing you're in that place of curiosity and, and really observing and really reflecting and thinking about it. And sometimes it's helpful to talk about it with the partner, with the co-teacher or with your, you know, husband or wife or partner, whoever it is, whoever your, whoever, your, whoever your partner is with this child, because or, or community. And once you're seeing the guidance is, comes so much more you're in a easily, and you're in a better position to guide,

Speaker 4 (24:25):

But I'm glad you brought back up the See. I love your three steps, the See, Guide, Trust, but back to the See. And you know, some of them are really obvious, like the child wants the toy, or the child wants the candy, but what are some other ways that people can really get down to what the root of the issue is? What are some other ways for some people, it might not come so naturally to really, especially if they're disconnected from their own emotions and feelings what are some ways that parents or teachers can try to really dig to get to the root of what they're seeing and what they're observing and what the behavior is a result of?

Speaker 3 (24:59):

Yeah. So it's, it's, it's really helpful to have someone who is knowledgeable about children and has, you know, that that has, can help you identify some patterns, cuz there's a lot of things that a lot of, you know, one behavior could be communicating an, an array of different things, right. A child hitting, it might not be that they want their toy back. It might be, you know, something that they're, you know, trying to communicate there's overcrowded or, you know, a child biting. It might, you know, yeah. It could be teething, but it could be something else. Right. They could be trying to get their toy back. Right. And so it it's helpful that like, if you're really struggling, if you can, you do have the resources to talk to some, a, a professional you know, coaching is really great. So you can kind of get like individualized help, but also teachers are your part.

Speaker 3 (26:01):

Like if you're a parent, teachers are your, or your partners too, if you're a teacher, parents are your partner too. And, and, and so having that kind of knowledge is really helpful is a very good, helpful piece knowing child development. Very cause a lot of times we, we like do things that are like developmentally, like not appropriate for children. And we just don't know that, you know, we don't know like you should be able to wait. My parents had me wait and I remember having to do it for a long time. I was suffering and I hated it. And that's why I remember, but <laugh>, you know, and I was, I was being threatened with a belt or whatever the case was. And so like, that is a really helpful thing to do. But outside of that, like when you're in the moment, really just pausing like the, like the importance, like there's like an art to like the pause, right.

Speaker 3 (26:59):

And in that pause on the outside, it may look like you're doing nothing or may look like, or even like, if you're, and this is why you should be really slow to judge others out in public and like, oh, they're not doing anything. Like they might be pausing and doing a lot of things first before they do what they need, figure out what they need to do. Right. Cause one recognizing our own feelings, our, our own emotions, because we're often, if you're in this situation, you're, you're likely triggered and you're having emotions yourself. Right. and different people have different triggers. So identifying your triggers ahead of time is always helpful. So, you know, going into a situation that you're likely gonna be triggered, so you can kind of already, you can be conscious and aware of where you're at in the, in the state that you're at, so that you can kind of navigate that in a healthy way, not just be driven by your triggers.

Speaker 3 (28:01):

So pause, breathe that will help your body like start to regulate a lot of science behind breathing. And I very much believe that breathing is a practice. So it's something that you get better at. And I would very much practice breathing in the beginning of the day, in the middle of the day, at the end of the day, just practice breathing and the nose out through the mouth. I would try not to overcomplicate it for people because there's a lot of different ways you can breathe. But just the important thing is that your out breath is longer than your in breath. And you know, through the nose out the mouth and I won't even do any throw any numbers at you cuz you might not even remember in the moment just through the nose out the mouth I'll breath longer, that's it simple.

Speaker 3 (28:43):

But it is a practice, a mantra during the pause is really helpful. One of my favorite ones is, this child's not giving you a hard time. They're having a hard time. That's something that's personally helpful for me, but I, I also think it's good to kind of connect your mantras with your triggers and kind of know what your triggers are and know what mantras are really helpful for you because we all have these different messages that we receive. And we've been conditioned with growing up that are impacting us sometimes consciously, but often unconsciously in these moments. And sometimes you hear right. You know, I can, when we say things like, you know, I wouldn't have gotten away with it, that's likely your unconscious is showing like your, like your conditioning is, is, is showing. And so, you know, it's important to know that about ourselves, right?

Speaker 3 (29:33):

And to acknowledge what you're feeling, I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm feeling frustrated, I'm feeling judged, I'm feeling whatever you're feeling or acknowledged that. And, and because another kind of Dan Siegel, Tina Green Bison thing is name entertainment, right. And so just the, the, the, the, the practice of acknowledging it out loud, what that emotion is will help you better navigate it and help you better, you know, control it and not just blindly react with it. And kind of in this process of pausing you're, you're, you're regulating yourself. So you can be in a better state so that your nervous system is in a, in a, in executive state, in a regulated state, because what's really hard about all of this cuz any, what I'm saying is I don't even think I'm making it sound easy, but it still sounds a lot easier than what it actually is because we catch each other's emotions, right?

Speaker 3 (30:31):

Emotional contagion, like we catch each other's emotions. And so, you know, your child is triggered by the not being able to get that paw patrol candy bar that they've been advertised to for the past six months of their, you know, of their life. And it's right there in hand grabs, they can touch it. They might be triggered by that and, you know, be really frustrated in acting out their emotions. And then we see that, and then we get triggered by their emotion. Now we're frustrated. And then we start acting out our emotions and in our frustrations, like, wait until we get home? How many times do I, you know, all the things that our parents told us. And so it's important to, to be aware of that and to breathe and to not let that control us. Or, you know, especially the judgment of other people.

Speaker 3 (31:23):

If you know, we were given the message when we were young, that we weren't enough or worthy, we weren't reaching our potential. We had to, you know, do these accomplishments become a doctor or lawyer to get love for me. You had to be, you know, obedient, good, whatever, you know, cuz good is often for adults is often obedient. Another word for obedient. You say good kid. Like, oh, they're really obedient. They listen and they're not you know, they're a convenience to me, right? And so if you're kind of used to chasing that approval to, to receive love and those that's, the, those are messages that are conditioned in your body because that's the way you were parented. Then it's gonna be hard to, you know, to go against that when you're in the grocery store and you're getting the same messages and you're getting the same judgment maybe, or at least perceive judgment and your, your nervous system, your body's telling you is I need to appease the judgment of these outside people, as opposed to internally listening to yourself and the message messages in your body what's in, what's, what's really important in your core values.

Speaker 3 (32:36):

That, that, that, you know, to be true when you're, when, when you're regulated. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 4 (32:45):

Yeah. I know we, we've talking a lot about toddlers in more the early childhood education, but I'll tell you in my household where the catching each other's feelings and the dysregulation source is during homework time. Oh my goodness. You know, their frustration then becomes my frustration. And so I know it's not specific to the young toddlers and preschoolers, you know, this is obviously happening with older children and you've already mentioned that your brain's not fully developed till you're 25 or 26. And I know the answer to this, but I feel like I need to ask it, is it ever too late to change the way that you're disciplined in parenting your children?

Speaker 3 (33:18):

It's never too late to change. It's about improving it's it's about, so here's the analogy like, like to make, I like to it's like iPhone generations, right. And, you know, I consider kind of this conscious, respectful, you know, like parenting discipline teaching it's, they're really innovations and, and, and technology in science. And it comes from a lot of innovations in science that we know we know better. Now we know a lot more now. Right. And that innovation is almost like the first iPhone. Right. And most of us grew up and, you know, we were parented by, you know, pagers, right. And some of us, we were parented by blackberries, right. And we're kind of our first generation iPhone with, with all this stuff. And we're learning through podcasts, through social media, through, you know, audible and books and all, all the resources we have available, these free conferences that pop up.

Speaker 3 (34:16):

And so like we're the first iPhone generation. Right. And it's huge in innovation and great pat on your back, like celebrate, like that is a huge accomplishment that you're even, you know, making that big step that you're even making the choice to try to improve and, and, and, and grow and learn, you know, for yourself and for your family in this way. Right. But that's not the end all be all of it, right. You're not gonna be perfect. You are going to make mistakes. You're not gonna be, you're not the last model. You know, what's gonna happen is there's gonna be another generation you're gonna do your best. Right. And I trust that you're gonna do your best. And, and the next generation is going to build off of what, what you've learned and what you built off of. And then you have the second and then they're gonna build off the next one and they're gonna build off the next one.

Speaker 3 (35:08):

And we keep on improving, keep on improving, keep on growing. And, and that's the process. Right? And so that never stops no matter where you're at in your journey, whether you are still, you still feel like you're a pager and like you, this is this podcast, this episode's the first time you've ever kind of, you know, heard of conscious discipline or conscious parenting or, you know, that is okay. Right. That is okay. Like celebrate that you're even becoming aware that there is work to be done. There is improvement to be had. Because I know traditionally a lot of teachers and parents never even made it there. So yeah, it's, it's never too late. The brain is always changing. Right. That's just, when it's like formed, that's when you're, that's the capacity, but your ability can continue to change and you continue to practice. The brain is malleable throughout your life. So,

Speaker 2 (36:10):

Yeah. And in thinking about this feeling seen, I can see the really hard tween years and the teen years of needing to be like seen, because isn't that what every teenager tells their parents. Like, you just don't understand <laugh>.

Speaker 3 (36:23):

Yeah. Parents just don't understand. It's not even just teens though. And, you know, with the emotional contagion and being seen, like, I wanna say this before, but like, I'm sure you've had the, you know, experience of like, maybe you're, you know, a partner has come home from work or for something, or they got filmed with like their parents or something like that. And then like, you know, they're frustrated and they kind of like, maybe they snap at you. And then you're like, whoa, wait a second. And you're, and now you got a feeling right. And you know, you wanna step back at them and you know, where, like, I understand the feeling like, and it's not like, it's not that it's like bad. It's just pay attention to it and notice it. And if you wanna be helpful for our partner in that moment where they were, you know, they were triggered by maybe one of their parents, or they just came home from a hard day at work or, or, or if something they're in, you know, troubles with a friend, then we can say like, okay, we can say this isn't about me.

Speaker 3 (37:17):

Like you're struggling with something and we can see then, and we can acknowledge them. Like, ah, it sounds like you're really frustrated. Like, sounds like something went on because you wouldn't normally talk to me like that. You know, like, what's up? Now, we, when we respond that way, then what they, you know, tend to be like, okay, like their defenses start to go down. Right. And they start to get a little bit, you know, more regulated now we're having conversation and now we're, we're productive. Right. As opposed to like, we're like, don't you talk to me like that? And then we snap back and like relentlessly and, and then they snap back and then like, the problem never gets fixed. Like no one's ever helped. Right. so it's, it's yeah. This is not just with young kids. This really does apply to all of our relationships. It may, the words may sound different. It may look different in the different stages and different environments that we're, we know that we inhabit, but this does apply to all of our relationships.

Speaker 2 (38:15):

Yeah. I feel like you just described my house yesterday. <Laugh> after both of my kids came home from hard days at school and I had work and then my husband came home from long meetings and he was grumpy. And finally, I just had to step back and be like, everybody's grumpy. It's not about me. And then at the end of the day after I got everybody calm, I looked at my husband and I was like, I gotta tap out for bedtime because I have been co-regulating far too long. <Laugh> and I just need like five minutes, like to let it out. <Laugh>

Speaker 3 (38:42):

Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (38:43):

But it's exhausting.

Speaker 3 (38:44):

Yeah. It is. It is. It's exhausting and it's a practice and it's, you

Speaker 2 (38:50):

Know, and I'm not perfect at it.

Speaker 3 (38:52):

And it's exhausting when you don't do it either way. It's, I mean, emotions are exhaust, like, you know, they're energy in motion. So like it is, you know, they're, they're running a lot. So it's exhausting, whether you're co-regulating or you're yelling back, I find both things exhausting and I've been there yelling back and afterwards I don't feel better about myself. I, I, you know, that's not the person who I want to be. And so there's that. So I choose to do they, even if they're the same amount of energy of exhausting, I'm gonna choose to be the person that I want to be. And it's really about last thing, I'll say you know, it's really at the root of all this, it's about caring for yourself so that you can care for others. And, and it's about self control. And it's not that you're when you have, you use kind of these skills and you are able to care for yourself in a healthy way. And setting boundaries and being assertive is a part of caring for yourself, you know, having empathy for yourself. So you have empathy for others. Like you will have a greater influence than when you try to just control everyone.

Speaker 2 (40:09):

Yeah. That's so beautiful. Usually we ask at the end of the podcast, our guests to give like one piece of advice, but I feel like you already did it unless you have something else to say, like that wrap up was beautiful.

Speaker 3 (40:21):

<Laugh> yeah, let's end it there. Let's end it there.

Speaker 2 (40:26):

That was great. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and energy and expertise.

Speaker 3 (40:31):

Yeah. Well, thanks for having me on and I hope to help some people out there. And if you guys want one on one coaching with me, you can get that at I'm on TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, free content. All the time. I have a podcast. I introduce you to other people who can help you. You can kinda build a community around you. You know, I've had SLPs on, I've had OTs, I've had, I've had, I've had many, many people with a variety of different experiences on all in the pursuit to help you on your journey.

Speaker 2 (41:05):

So I love it. That links to all of that. Yeah. In our, our show notes too. Yeah. We'll

Speaker 4 (41:09):

Make sure everyone can find you. Thank you so much. We really appreciate your time. This has been great.

Speaker 3 (41:14):

All right. Yeah. Thank you. Have a great day.

Speaker 5 (41:19):

Thank you for listening to the UNbabbled podcast. For more information on today's episode, please see our episode description for more information on The Parish School visit If you're not already, don't forget to subscribe to the UNbabbled podcast on your app of choice. And if you like what you're hearing, be sure to leave a rating and review. A special thank you to Stig Daniels, Amanda Arnold and Stella Limwell, for all their hard work behind the scenes. Thanks again for listening.